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He Cared About Me, So I Broke Up With Him

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By the tip of the week, I had spent $390 on the blanket. Silly for a jobless one that lived in a married couple’s spare room. I folded it rigorously and tied it with a ribbon and emailed David: “Can we talk?”

He agreed to satisfy me by Lake Merritt.

We sat on a towel by the water a couple of blocks from his residence. The handmade blanket rested in my lap, and I fidgeted with the loops, glancing up at David and again down. My breath nonetheless catches when I image his face then, harm and sure and skeptical. He waited, silently, whereas I tried to place a sentence collectively.

“I’m sorry,” I stated. “I should have had a conversation with you before breaking things off.”

“You’re right,” he stated.

“I’m afraid I made a mistake,” I stated, trying away.

My phrases have been jumbled as I tried to clarify that when confronted with the potential for a wholesome relationship, my physique and thoughts panicked. That as an alternative of feeling comforted by a loyal partnership, I felt disgusted and afraid. I stated I was speaking to my therapist about it and that I suppose it was as a result of what he provided was unfamiliar. Until that time, my closest relationships had been marked by uncertainty and loss, they usually felt, perversely, secure.

He nodded, affected person. And then defined that it made sense to him. He had listened to my tales of previous relationships and, after I broke up with him, acquired a e book by Dr. Robert Firestone referred to as “The Fantasy Bond.” He thought that I could be looking for to recreate the trauma and uncertainty from earlier years.

Dr. Firestone says that as an alternative of questioning their circumstances, youngsters blame themselves for his or her ache. Not solely do they blame themselves, however additionally they start to anticipate loss and loneliness. Faced with a brand new model of maturity, my worldview had grow to be threatened.