Why Doesn’t Anyone Put as Much Effort Into Secret Santa as I Do?

I need assistance with the reward alternate at my household’s Christmas celebration. The guidelines: All of the adults purchase presents for all the youngsters, and we additionally purchase one reward ($50 most) for an grownup whose title we decide at random on Thanksgiving. Every yr, I spend plenty of time fascinated with what reward my recipient would possibly like, and I all the time spend the utmost greenback quantity. The presents I obtain in return are often low-cost and seem to have concerned no actual thought. I discover the alternate disappointing, and it makes me depressed that I preserve hoping for extra. Is there a greater option to deal with this?

ALLY

I get it: Your “love language,” as pop psychology places it, is presents. For different members of your loved ones, it’s one thing else. Still, you retain hoping for significant presents, and yearly you’re disenchanted. This is like buying repeatedly for heirloom tomatoes on the ironmongery shop. You won’t ever discover them there! Try to decrease your expectations earlier than the unwrapping begins. Consider the opposite methods your family present they care.

Now, let’s go a step additional. I assume that you simply, like many people, spend an excessive amount of time fascinated with issues which will enrich your life: a novel by Elizabeth Strout, high quality olive oil, tickets to “Company.” If you don’t but really feel empowered to purchase this stuff for your self, do it — and revel in them!

I’m additionally right here to inform you there might come a time when even considerate presents fail to maneuver you. Over the years, in my expertise, the enjoyment that when got here from reward bins is changed by sudden glimpses of sun-dappled leaves or enjoying with a cuddly pet at an animal shelter. Seek out these sensory experiences too. Because our relationship to materials tradition is all the time shifting.

The Trouble With Regifting

My neighbors spend their winters in Florida. The different day, a field of pears arrived on their entrance porch. I moved it to the facet of their home so nobody would take it. There was a present message on the field from a buddy, wishing them a contented vacation. I emailed my neighbor in regards to the supply and acquired a fast reply: She claimed that the pears have been a Christmas reward for my household that was by accident delivered to her tackle. Do I thank her for the pears, or ought to I point out the reward message from her household’s associates? I’d hate for them to not get a correct thanks. (Also: The pears are scrumptious!)

DAN

Remote regifting has a excessive diploma of problem. From a distance, we will’t know if a ebook is inscribed with a private message, for example, or if the damned pears got here with a notice. Gifts ought to be examined earlier than they’re given to a different recipient.

Your neighbor’s gesture was considerate, regardless of her cockamamie declare that the pears have been all the time supposed for you. (She might have given them to any variety of pear lovers who solely needed to drop by her home to choose them up.)

Spare her the embarrassment of drawing consideration to her fib. Place the reward notice from their associates with the remainder of the mail that’s accumulating of their absence. Your neighbors can ship them a thank-you notice on their return.

A ‘Wasted’ Wreath

We have a beneficiant consumer who sends us a big, recent Christmas wreath yearly. While we recognize the gesture, we’re Jewish and never inclined to show a logo of Christian significance like a wreath. Should we thank the consumer and inform him the reward is wasted on us, or just thank the consumer and provides the wreath to an worker who will recognize it?

P.

Fun reality: Wreaths predate Christianity; their roots hint again to historic Rome. Still, I take your level. Today, wreaths are related to Christmas.

Since you felt strongly sufficient about this challenge to put in writing in, you must say one thing to your consumer. I wouldn’t inform him that “the gift is wasted” on you, as you counsel, although. Thank him sincerely for his generosity and inform him you’ve given the wreath to an worker who celebrates Christmas. That ought to do the trick.

You Had to Invite Them?

Friends invited my husband and me to spend New Year’s weekend with them at their nation dwelling. It was imagined to be simply the 4 of us, and it appeared like heaven. Since then, I discovered that our associates invited one other couple to affix the occasion. Unfortunately, they’re adamantly against Covid-19 vaccines, and I don’t really feel snug spending a weekend with them. I know I ought to ship our regrets. But it additionally appears inevitable that we’ll discover ourselves within the firm of unvaccinated folks sooner or later. Am I being overcautious?

ANONYMOUS

Send regrets! If present vaccination charges counsel that we’ll inadvertently cross paths with unvaccinated folks, that’s an argument for taking higher care to keep away from them once we are ready. It additionally argues for readability and directness. Thank your pals for his or her type invitation and inform them you don’t really feel snug spending the weekend with their unvaccinated company.

For assist along with your awkward scenario, ship a query to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.